I just became a Democrat

Thanks for Maria for posting this on her blog.

Dad - I’ll get the smelling salts.

Keith Olbermann….consider yourself Tivo’d (and I’m going back to MSNBC to start watching back videos)

 

Who am I, Alex Trebek?

I’m feeling much better.  I know that I posted a quiz yesterday, but here’s another one….

Is this picture:

a)  A $100 hooker being arrested on the Sunset Strip?

b)  A $50 hooker being arrested on the Sunset Strip?

c)  A $5 hooker being arrested on the Sunset Strip?

d)  A stripper fresh-off-the-pole being arrested for soliciting a cop?

e)  A stupid attention-seeking twit being escorted out of her prom because they refused to admit her because of her dress and she threw a fit in the hotel because they wouldn’t give her a refund because she had previously signed an acknowledgement of the dress code for the prom and chose to blatantly violate it?

f)  “e”, but she sure does look like a, b, c & d?

 

The full story, with a better look at the “dress” can be found here

So why is this a big deal?  Where do I start?

First I don’t care what your background (economic, social, racial, etc)…there is no place on earth where this should be considered an acceptable dress for a 17-year old.  Sure, it is her prom and every girl wants to look “special”.

But this?  This is just a custom-made hooker dress.  What ever happened to modesty?  I’m not saying that she needs to wear a prairie dress like her FLDS neighbors, but how about a dress that uses more than a yard of fabric on top?  A half-yard?

What kind of parents does Marche Taylor have that she was even allowed out of the house in this hooker-meets-bandoleer thing? Had I ever tried to even go to the beach in an outfit like this, my mother’s head explosion would have been measurable on the Richter Scale.

And even more disturbing is the fact that she was arrested and the reason why she was arrented.  Was she arrested for wearing the dress?  Despite all the chatter and headlines, she was not. 

In the video, she said she was arguing and demanding her money back. So this was about a student who was handcuffed and walked out because she furiously, angrily, pretended she didn’t understand what was explained to her, demanded the rules be changed immediately to suit her, held up everyone else getting into the prom, made a loud scene and disrupted the festivities, smack-talked school officials, and refused to leave.  For causing a scene, she was arrested.

And she believes that she is totally in the right…

I predict that this will not be her first Perp-walk….and the next one will likely be in a similar outfit.

 

A quick quiz, then back to the sofa…

I’m wiped.

What I thought was just a minor sniffle on Sunday afternoon has kept my fat ass on the sofa with sinuses that feel like they are about to explode and chills and shivers like I haven’t seen since the epidural started to wear off after Prince #2 was born.

It didn’t help that we ended up with a serious cold snap/monsoon yesterday and it was about 40 degrees outside.  Of course, being the cheap ass wise person that I am, I refused to turn on the heat.  One simply does NOT turn on the heat in May!

But I do have a question….perhaps my understanding of male fashion is too heavily influenced by Shane & David and Brock and Ash, but is this picture:

a)  the latest fashion?

b)  a clever attempt to get the wife thinking about sex by having a belt pointing right to his “most special muscle”?

c)  proof that my husband cannot be trusted to pick out his own clothes?

He assures me that the “dangling belt” is the latest fashion…and while I can certainly appreciate an extra 10 inches, I typically don’t think of a belt in those cases (well - sometimes, but that is a whole other post for an entirely different blog)

 

Mindi has two mommies

Dear Mom: 

Happy Mother’s Day…..and thank you.

Thank you for being such a pain-in-my-ass when I was young.  Thank you for refusing to let me hang out with “those kids”.  Thank you for teaching me how to cook.  Thank you for bringing that psycho dipshit in to my life.  Thank you for teaching me needlework.  Thank you for not hovering.  Thank you for kicking that psycho dipshit’s ass out.  Thank you for the frequent kicks-in-the-ass when I was getting out of control.  Thank you for my brother & sister.  Thank you for being such a feminist and for instilling those values in me.  Thank you for your examples of both what to do and what not to do.  Thank you for the times you were a bitch (should I mention the smashed piggy bank again?) and the times you were wonderful.  Thank you for being in my life.

 

Dear StepMother:

Happy Mother’s Day….and thank you!

Thank you for making my father happy.  Thank you for my sisters.  Thank you for being the first one to expose me to Stevie Nicks and Bruce Springstein.  Thank you for taking on the task of being a stepmother, when you were only 19 and my sister and I were only 12 and 9 (I don’t think I could have done it).  Thank you for your family and the way that they have always welcomed us in to their hearts and homes (and football pools).  Thank you for the times when you didn’t let any rough spots with Dad affect your relationship with us.  Thank you for not seeming to begrudge any time, money or affection that Dad spent with us.  Thank you for being in my life.

 

If there is one thing that I have learned from being on the Internets and from reading blogs, it is that I had a pretty Charmed Life growing up.  And while I have had plenty of good times and not-so-good times with my mother and stepmother growing up, I wasn’t abused or neglected.  I had all the latest fashions, the latest toys/gadgets, a great school and parents who realized that, once I became an adult, it was time to treat me as an adult and easily switched from “Parent Mode” to “Friend Mode” (with only the occasional “Min - you need to get those boys under control”….yes, I’m talking to you Mom!)

So as I sit here with 37 minutes left of my “Queen For The Day Gets To be On The Internet While Brad Takes The Kids Out To Play Time” (after which we are going to NewMommyOnTheBlock’s house for a barbecue) , having read the many blogs that I love, I am struck with how good my life is.  Sure, my mother made mistakes (PIGGY BANK!).  Sure, my step-mother made mistakes (but those were mainly in how I viewed her relationship with my father).

But every one of those mistakes had an affect on me and made me the person that I am today.

And I’m pretty happy with that person.

So once again - Thank you to Janae & Michelle. 

And Happy Mother’s Day to all you Mommies out there!

A very scientific comparison of beers

Since BusyDad was kind enough to gorge himself at a Barbeque and gain a pound in my honor last week (and because Brad is working late and I am putting off scrubbing my stove) I decided to conduct a little experiment.

You know how I have a deep love of Yeungling Lager?  Well, that’s how BusyDad feels about NewCastle.  So I went and bought a case today (luckily, I live in Pennsylvania where you either pay for a full case of what could be potentially shit beer, or you buy it by the 6-pack in a bar and pay treble the going rate). 

So let’s get to work:

Step 1:  Price comparison…and please remember that I am the one who, through being a cheap-ass who totally takes advantage of “loss leaders” at the local supermarkets learning to be frugal, now refuses to pay more than $.40 for a box of (brand name) cereal.

Yeungling is $17 per case, NewCastle is $30 per case.  Pretty pricey beer for a dude who just found a new job this week, donchathink Jim?

Oh - and in honor of your poncey little British beer, I put the NewCastle price tag on a Winnie the Pooh notepad…he’s British, isn’t he (or is that Paddington Bear)?

 

Step #2:  The glasses

I am a firm believer that the proper stemware means everything when it comes to enjoying a drink.  Serve me a martini in a margarita glass and you’ll be picking olives out of your ears.  And while there is the standard bar comeback of “it’s already in a glass”, let’s try to be a LITTLE classy shall we?  Since I didn’t feel like hand-washing the Waterford pilsners, I had to improvise with my favorite beer mug:  my Pittsburgh Steelers one (and yes - I live just outside Philadelphia…but the Eagles suck!).

Sorry BusyDad, unless you want to send me a NewCastle glass (or a male model who does dishes), Yeungling wins yet another round!

 

Step 3:  The Pour

I haven’t been able to pour a decent headless beer since I was the Beer Wench at Phi Psi’s (2 years running, thankyouverymuch!).  Unfortunately, that was 18 years ago and my skills have deteriorated.  However, it seems that I give great (or at least better) head on NewCastle than on Yeungling! (take THAT you perverts who find me through search engines….perhaps this post will now start beating out the “MILF List” one!!)

Step 4:  The taste

I was going to take a picture of my tongue, but after the “giving head” crack, that might not be the best idea.  Ok - NewCastle tastes pretty damn good. I do like the slightly more bitter beers for many reasons, one of which is that I tend to slow down and savor them more as opposed to drinking them as casually as I would a Diet Pepsi.

So NewCastle wins this round…Happy Jim?

 

Step 5:  Finishing the beer

Guess which glass I refilled?

Ok - the truth is, I inhaled the NewCastle, then realized that I had an open can of Yeungling that needed to be finished. 

But it could be said that I saved the best for last, right?

Or it could (and will) be said that I am looking for a hiding place for my NewCastle so that Brad can’t get his grubby little hands on my new favorite slightly-above-mid-price beer

Ok Jim…your turn.  And since you obviously now have tons of disposable income, I think that you should have to compare my favorite “lower-high-end beer” with your beloved NewCastle….choose from Maudite or La Fin Du Monde, both by Unibroue (it’s a Quebec brewer)

Just don’t upstage me with flashy videos….and don’t let Fury do any taste-testing!

Five Years Ago Today….

I was laying in a hospital bed. 

Brad had just left with Prince #1 and I had a massive spinal headache.

But I didn’t care…I had you and you were beautiful.

You were (and continue to be) my CuddleBunny

The things that come out of your mouth on a daily basis have me peeing my pants with laughter or wiping tears of joy from my eyes.

Happy Birthday Jonathan! (AKA “Prince #2)

Mindi, the Patron Saint of fatsos!

(Edited to add:  I just checked my stats.  Isn’t it appropriate that this post turned out to be my 200th?  This thing started out as yet another Weight Watchers blog and now hits an anniversary with yet another “I’m fat” post)

Oh c’mon…you knew it was only a matter of time!

Have you met BusyDad?  If you haven’t, get your ass over to his blog and read all about his hilarious life with “Fury”, “d Wife” and 2 psychotic dogs.  Just promise you’ll come back here, ‘kay?

Are you back?  While you were over there, did you watch his entire video from yesterday?  And who did he dedicate his 1-pound weight gain to?  Little ol’ (fat) me!  Yes BusyDad, I love you now!

But seriously BusyDad…a “cheat day”?  Try a cheat month!

You just wait BD….I should have a brand new elliptical (to replace the lack of any exercise equipment in my home) within a week.  Once I get that thing, I’ll blow you away with my dedication….

Although whether it is dedication to using it or blogging about how I need to start using it remains to be seen! 

Can you wear high heels on an elliptical?  Do you have to actually sweat when you work out in order for it to be effective?  Won’t my makeup run off then?

Pleased to meet you, hope you die in a fiery car crash

First, can I say that I had to Google the word “fiery” to make sure it was spelled right?  Doesn’t it make sense that it would be spelled “firey”?  I guess that is just Merriam-Webster’s way of keeping us all on our toes!

Anyway…

It’s Spring and the weather is beautiful.  Of course, that can mean only one thing:  the return of JeepBitch and BMWBitch!  And who are these new characters to my offline saga?  Well, they aren’t new people at all…it’s just that I didn’t start this blog until November and, like a sleeping <animal that is really mean and deserves a horrible death and hibernates>, I don’t get the thrill of dealing with them until the kids start playing outside.

Remember the names - you’ll probably be hearing about them until it gets cold again!

Our development is only 13 years old.  When they built it, they placed approximately 250 single homes in the front and another 150 homes, in the form of townhouses, in the back.  The townhomes even have their own access road which is clearly marked.  Oh yeah- and our streets are privately owned and unless you live on our street, there is no logical reason for there to be any other cars on our street.

Unfortunately for me, my road runs between the main road and the access road and many of the townhome people like to use our road as a cut-through.  Despite numerous reminders from the HomeOwnersAssociation that they shouldn’t use our road as a cut-through, many continue to do so at twice the posted speed limit of 15mph.  Additionally, if one were to observe the posted speed limit on our street, it would actually take LONGER to get to the townhomes….it’s not really a shortcut at all.

So what’s the problem (aside from the fact that your eyes have likely glazed over from all that backstory?).  The problem is that our neighborhood is chock-full of young children (most 2nd-graders or younger) and now that the weather is nice, the kids are playing in the street…riding bikes, electric cars, playing with chalk.  We pretty much play in the dead-center of the street, right in front of BestFriendMommy’s house.  This allows us plenty of time to see any cars and get the kids on the curb.

Except when they are speeding….then we have some fun with them.

JeepBitch and BMWBitch are a mother-daughter team.  Both of them have decided to speed down our street doing AT LEAST 25 mph. 

Every day. 

Several times per day. 

While yelling “get your goddamn kids out of the street!”

Classy chicks, no?

So yesterday, PerfectCatholicMommy decided that we were not going to go through yet another summer of this….and stepped in front of her JeepBitch’s car, stopping her.  And here was her conversation

JeepBitch (JB):  Get out of my fucking way

PerfectCatholicMommy(PCM):  I just wanted to let you know that you are going WAY over the speed limit for this street and aside from that, the HomeOwnersAssociation has specifically asked that people not use this street as a cut-through

JB:  I live on this street!  And anyway - they are public streets!  I can go anywhere I want

PCM:  I’ve lived on this street for 12 years and know very well that you live in the townhomes.   You know that every day there will be kids playing in the street, forcing you to slow down and take even longer to get home.  Why would you keep doing it every day, if not to pick a fight?  Oh- and they aren’t public, they are private streets and you’ve been asked to not use them. 

JB:  Just keep your fucking kids out of the streets - they should play in the back yards.

PCM:  yeah- because bikes, jeeps and chalk work just SO well on the grass

(JeepBitch zooms off, smashing chalk wherever she goes)

So we’ve got our solution narrowed down to a few choices.  Should we

1. In the spirit of Wile E Coyote, spread nails on the street for JeepBitch and her mom
2. Refuse to move or just take our sweet ol’ time getting out of the street when we see them coming
3. Continue to engage her and vent our frustrations at having to watch DoodleBops on her
4. Erect a sign telling the “townhome people” to stop using our road.  Sure, it might not have the desired effect and would piss off the HOA, but I could make a really pretty one with glitter!

What say you, Internets?

 

Snippets from a weekend of too much “quality time”

I am sure that somewhere someone has published an article on how the family vacation, even the mini-vacation, is destroying America.  All I know is that four hours in a car (each way) is just way too much time for a healthy marriage to survive. 

Him:  what hotel are we staying at?

Me:  the SpringHill by Marriott off of exit 2A

Him:  Is that the same hotel we stayed at last time?

Me:  Not that one…that one was right next to the crappy 7-11 with the pool with too much chlorine, the ice machine that didn’t work and it was a nightmare getting to Trader Joe’s.

Him:  How is it that you remember that, yet in the 20 minutes we have been in the car, you have lost your ATM card, your iPod and your Palm?

And then later in the weekend (as I mentioned earlier, his sister and I are like oil & water)…but my in-laws paid for the hotel and got us a “family plan”, which my father-in-law told us was to include a pizza & movie each night

Him:  we didn’t get our pizza last night - did you make sure the front desk gave us 2 pizzas for tonight?

Me:  Yeah - I talked to them, but they said that the deal was for only one pizza for the weekend.  So I got a voucher for a pizza

Him:  but my sister got a voucher for 2 pizzas

Me:  but I checked the pricing plan brochure and your father misunderstood.  We are only supposed to get 1 pizza for the 2-night stay.

Him:  but my sister got 2 pizzas

Me:  yeah - and they probably got sick of her bitching and figured that it was worth the $13 to make her just go away

Him:  This from the woman that I have seen argue at CVS for 10 minutes over a $.50 coupon?

ThenI got to talking to my sister-in-law

Her:  oh - we just never get a chance to go out.

Me:  but your daughters are 14 and 12.  Surely they are old enough for you to leave them for 2 hours while you and Ed go out to dinner?

Her:  well, we don’t waste our money on stupid things like going out to dinner.  We just don’t have the money.

Me:  well, you can go to Applebees for less than $40 if you only get 1 drink each.  It’s the point of getting out and having alone time that matters

Her:  well - that’s just an appalling waste of money!  How can you do that?

Me:  We have different priorities.  We spend $200/year on dining out.  You are on your third filled Pandora bracelet since you bought your first one last year.  But I guess the $9 burger IS an extravagance!

Should I mention right here that the next morning when she greeted me at the hotel room door that she was shocked that I was so dressed up?  When I was wearing just a white shirt, linen pants and one of my trademark Coldwater Creek jackets (all the better to hide my muffin top) and she actually had the nerve to say “Oh - I only get that dressed up when we are going out to dinner!”  I could have choked on the irony!

Oh - I guess I just did mention it.

 And then later that day:  everyone came back to the hotel so that the kids could swim.  I was in our room while The Queen was napping, happily reading my book.  Unfortunately, I mistook my family for Brad’s family, and used the security latch to prop my door open, inviting visitors to my room.  In my family, this is an invitation for the wine to start flowing.  In brad’s family?  not so much (they are usually done after 1-2 glasses…amateurs!).

MIL:  what are you reading?

Me:  Stephen Colbert’s book.  I’ve had it for months but haven’t had a chance to read it

MIL:  Who is Stephen Colbert?

Other Sister In Law (the one that I like, or TOTIL):  He used to be on Jon Stewart’s show but now he has his own show.   He’s really funny!

MIL:  Jon Stewart?  You LIKE HIM?

Me (and SIL - TOTIL):  um - yeah?

MIL:  but did you hear what he said about the Pope?

Me:  sure - he called the Pope a Nazi Youth, which he was.  He said that he was horrible looking.  And then the next night, he apologized for bringing the Nazi thing up, acknowledged that it was probably hard for a teenager to resist joining in WWII Germany and promised to never make fun of him again for that.  But you have to admit that the Pope does look like Emperor Palpatine and was called “God’s Pitbull” and was instrumental in covering up the pedophile problem in the US Clergy.

MIL:  well, no Catholic should watch his show anymore!  The Protestants are just as bad!  He just attacks Christians left and right!

Me:  Have you tried this hummus that I picked up at Trader Joe’s?

So it was an interesting weekend….

But it wasn’t all shits and giggles.

Although we had the thrill of getting gas in NJ for $0.17 less than PA on the way home, my brakes started grinding over the weekend and I was blessed with paying $415.35 for new brakes today (which I am assuming is my punishment for watching Stewart and questioning authority).  Luckily, I was able to coordinate my need to drop off my car with BestFriendMommy’s need to buy beer.  And I got to re-stock my bar fridge with Yeungling!

Weekend in New England

Well folks, I’m signing off for the weekend……maybe.  perhaps.  It depends on how much my sister-in-law pisses me off.

We are heading up to Connecticut in about two hours and although the hotel has Wifi, do you have any idea how long it takes to tap out a blog post using a stylus and a Palm TX? 

(And right here is a good point to let anyone in my family who may be looking for gift ideas for me know:  I want a laptop!)

I might try the Twitter thing while away….I still haven’t figured that out.  Mr. Lady sent me an email from one of my Twitter posts and I am in awe of her skills!

But never fear….the weekend should provide plenty of blog fodder.  I still haven’t figured out if my in-laws love me, hate me, think I am a control freak, a bitch or the most wonderful woman in the world. 

Although I am fairly sure that they think I’m a snob….

Have a great weekend!  If I’m bored/annoyed and can sneak away to my brother-in-law’s extra computer, you just might get a live update!  Doesn’t that just give you a little tingle in your toes?

Shit:  now I have that song running through my head.  Looks like there is going to be an awful lot of Barry Manilow iPodding in the MindiMobile today!

 

Let me ’splain. No - there is too much. Let me sum up!

Ok - name that quote!

It’s been a good week since I have posted anything of substance and I am leaving tomorrow afternoon for a weekend from hell wonderful weekend in Connecticut with ALL the in-laws.   So rather than trying to drag out the past week’s events in to numerous posts, let’s just go over the past week in one really big boring one…’kay?

• The school musical is now over and I have my Monday nights back.  Believe it or not, I’m going to miss thoose little Hellions.  I thought that would be the end of my choreography days, but Prince #2 informed me that it is only fair that I lead his Kindergarten group next year, since I led Prince #1’s First Grade group this year.  My next nervous breakdown is roughly scheduled for January, 2009.
• CCD has ended and I have my Tuesday nights back.  But now I realize that I am going to miss my Tuesday Night Boyfriend.  I have no idea what his name is, but our children were in the same CCD class and we talked for at least 20 minutes every time while waiting for dismissal.  He was a cutie.
• The story about the ”Jesus H Christ On A Popsicle Stick” in front of my priest?  Absolutely true! It was at the home of my former neighbor who now has about a gazillion dollars and is quite generous with the Church.  Amazingly, Father Mc chose to follow the money her party to show up at on Sunday.  Luckily, I have a few Jewish friends and they were also at the party so I could blame it on the one closest to me.  Of course, now I have to let her in on the best way to make a matzo-ball (she makes belly-busters and mine are light & fluffy.  I also make a better kugel than most of my Jewish friends. You really don’t want me to go in why I know all of this)
• Oh - and while we are on the subject of churchy-things….I hope that there is a special circle in Hell for people who not only cut you off in the church parking lot 3 minutes before Mass, but also give you the finger!
• I am Marcia Brady.  No, I didn’t get hit in the nose with a football, but I am in love with my dentist.  I’m Mrs. Mindi Dentist!  Sure - he’s only 5′6″.  But hey!  I’m only 5′2″!  And he shares my deep remorse over missing the recent Def Leppard concert!  I just hope Brad will understand when I go in next month for a filling-repair and the light reflecting off my bicuspid makes him fall madly in love with me!  He keeps telling me that I have Boring Teeth.  In the Dental World, I’m assuming that means “SEXY!”
• I obviously need to get laid.  Nature seems to have a different agenda this week.
• I had my best day yet at CVS.  Check it out on my cheapskate blog.  Brad has forbidden me from bringing in another tube of toothpaste, shampoo or body wash to the house.  Being the dutiful wife that I am, I told him to fuck off….I’m on a shopping high!
• I found out that my grandfather, of the peanut butter and chocolate fudge side of the family, is terminal.  He has both a heart problem and advanced colon cancer.  The blood thinners that they would need to give him to operate on his heart would cause him to bleed out because of his colon cancer.  He has been given 3 months to 3 years.
• Stuart Little was apparantly the Pied Piper of the neighborhood.  We got three more mice over the weekend, although they at least had the respectable death of getting their necks snapped, not the “stupidest Pet Tricks” death that Stuart had.  Nothing since Monday night, so I’m hoping that the invasion is over.

Nothing else…isn’t that enough?

How to run a blog (in to the ground) In 10 Easy Steps

Step 1:  start a blog.  watch in amazement as people actually read it

Step 2:  Respond to comments, but only enough to keep readers semi-interested and/or coming after you with a torch & pitchfork.

Step 3:  Complain about parents that overschedule their children.

Step 4:  Proceed to overschedule your own children

Step 5:  Brag that you function best when you are overscheduled

Step 6:  Realize that there is a fine line between “Overscheduled” and “Are You Fucking Insane??”

Step 7:  Cross that line. 

Step 8:   Soothe self with copius amounts of wine (and no food) at a First Holy Communion Party.  In front of your priest who you didn’t know would be at the party.  Fail to see him standing 3 feet from you when you exclaim “Jesus H. Christ on a Popsicle Stick!”.  Blame said exclamation on your Jewish friend standing right next to you.  Be too drunk to blog about it that night, but promise yourself that you will on Monday morning.

Step 9:  Wake up Monday morning with a massive hangover the likes of which have not been seen since your sister introduced you to Cosmos.  Curl up in the fetal position all day and let the Wonderpets babysit your daughter.  Neglect house.  Neglect blog.

Step 10:  Neglect blog for the next 2 days while you try to catch up on the house. 

And now I am back to sanity.  The school musical is over, CCD ended for the year last night, we have no more parties to attend for 3 weeks, karate is being dropped to once a week and the laundry is all caught up.

And I missed you.

I f there i s won thing I have lrned

It’s never blog while drunk.

Andsince this has been an exceptionally prty weekend….

Ill c ya tmorrow

How do I Twitter?

Against my better judgement and even though I STILL don’t get it, I set up a Twitter account with an RSS feed on this site.

Now what do I do? 

Is it just a whole bunch of mini blog posts, or am I supposed to be out finding those of you who are also on Twitter?

How is it possible that I suddenly feel so cool, yet so stupid all at the same time?

And now that I am on Twitter, does that make me a Twitter Twat?

Finally I’m “That Mean Lady Over There”

I knew that this day would come, I just didn’t think it would be so soon!

Putting aside the sheer idiocy of entrusting all of the prop-placement (which they screwed up for our group last night, causing the parents who were watching rehearsal to start clapping to the tune of the song in order to support my kids who looked like they were about to cry when they hit their marks EXACTLY and their props weren’t there) stage-direction and entrance/exit cues from the stage in charge of a bunch of middle-schoolers, there is just one thing that you don’t do:

And that is gather 220 children ages five to ten on a stage behind a closed curtain and then plunge them in to pitch darkness.

Ok - you can do that, but then don’t be amazed when they scream…and don’t then yell at them for it

And after it happened no less than 5 times on Wednesday night and 3 times on Thursday night, I finally snapped…on what had to be a 6th grade girl.

She and others were standing in the darkness (along with the rest of us) yelling at the kids to be quiet.  I stepped over to her and:

Me: They’re screaming because they are a bunch of 5-7 year olds that you just put in the dark.

Her:  It’s not just the kindergarteners that are screaming

Me:  Nope - I bet my first-grader is too, since he still has problems with the dark…and screaming IS contagious when you have this many kids you know

And then the lights came on, the music started and they rehearsed the opening and closing acts (all 220 kids for those).  We went back to our area and were told that we were going to start all over.

And as we were filing back on the stage, I saw her again.  She was talking to a much more mature stagehand - he looked to be in 8th grade.  As I got closer, I saw her pointing to me and saying “that mean lady over there yelled at me because I was just trying to get the kids to calm down”

So after I got my kids lined up, I went over to where they were standing (perhaps not the wisest or most mature move, but everything about this rehearsal had been getting on my nerves):

Me:  Hey - if you’re going to talk about me, let me make sure that you are getting it right.  I didn’t say something to you because you were trying to calm the kids down.  I said something to you because you were stomping your feet, flailing your arms and screaming at the kids to shut up

Her:  (with a look of horror) I didn’t say Shut Up!  I was saying Be Quiet!

Me:  they’re the same thing to me and I don’t really care about the words themselves.  They aren’t the problem.  The problem is that you get a bunch of kids, many of who are tired, excited and some even still scared of the dark and put them in total darkness and then get mad at them for screaming.  Every time you turn off the lights they are going to scream.  We’ve already learned that.  If you don’t want them to scream, don’t turn off all the lights

8th Grader:  we don’t control the lights ma’am

Me:  I know that…believe me when I say that I know that.  And (turning to the girl who looks like she is about to burst in to tears) I’m sorry if I upset you, but you can’t freak out on a bunch of 6-year-olds for acting like 6-year olds.

Her:  I’m sorry ma’am

Me:  I don’t need an apology….and you’re doing a great job (a lie, but I was starting to feel bad).  Just calm down a bit and a few of us parents will talk to the lighting manager because we’ve all been saying the same thing

And then I walked away.  And as I was walking away, I heard:

She’s so mean!  I’m glad she’s not MY mother!

At least my own kids like me.  That’s something, I guess.

 

Week from Hell Update

This weeks sucks…..sucks I tell ya!

Why?  Let me count the ways:

1. The school musical that we have been preparing for since January is Friday night.  Despite repeated assurances from a Certain Mother that she was “on it” for the last 2 months, I found out Sunday night that she “just couldn’t find the time” to make all of the props for the kids.  I spent all day Monday and Tuesday cutting yellow cardboard in to 17 16-inch suns and putting happy smiling faces on them, then sponge-painting foamboard and making 17 16-inch moons (complete with faces and spray glitter)
2. I spent 2 hours in an auditorium with 220 screaming children at “Dress Rehearsal” last night.  I get to do it again tonight. 
3. I got an email from the Chair of the Musical that all Grade Leaders (that’s me)will be doing a “Surprise Act” after the third graders are done.  That “Surprise Act”?  We get to dance the Electric Slide onstage.  Oh joy!
4. The weather is beautiful.  I came home from the store yesterday afternoon and left my windows in the car open.  A bird then flew in my car and crapped all over my dashboard.
5. I’m struggling with a decision to share or not share a certain event in my life on my blog, as too many of my family members know about this blog already.  It is a story that they have never heard (and likely never would face-to-face, although I can think of one member of the family who NEEDS to hear it at this point in her life) and would very much upset them, although I am long-since over it.  However, two of my favorite bloggers recently shared their stories and I am trying to “man up” to the task myself. 
6. Stuart Little has a friend
7. Carpenter bees have invaded my garage
8. My roots are showing
9. The Queen is going through a stripper-phase
10. I have PMS and have puffed up to sizes unseen since my last pregnancy
11. I am out of vodka and beer just makes the puffiness worse
12. I started back on Chantix to try (again) to quit smoking

Oh well - at least I got to spend some time playing with my new camera and already have pictures for tomorrow’s F-F-Friday!

 

 

 

10 Things I Love (100 Things, Part IV)

Ahh, it’s Monday.  Time for me to be a complete slacker by creating a fluff post bore you to tears post another installment of my ongoing series “100 Things About Me”.

Wait?  It’s NOT Monday?  Well, I started typing this on Monday.  But seeing as I am having the Week From Hell, I bumped the list for dead mice and Earth Day rants (rants are so much easier to come up with!).  Week From Hell details will be Friday or Saturday and “comment catchup” will likely be tomorrow….if I’m not in jail first for killing a few select people.

Anyway - deep cleansing breath……

This week’s installment is “Ten Things I Love” and as I am determined to not take the easy way out by listing my children, my husband or puppy-dog kisses, let’s see what I can come up with:

1. I love being overscheduled.  This may sound crazy, but I function best when I have too many things to do.  I set up plans of action, lists, etc.  It’s when I have only 1 or 2 things to do that my life completely falls apart.
2. I love saving money.  Nothing gives me more of a thrill that getting a good deal.  I swear that I almost had an orgasm in line at Coldwater Creek the day that I got about $1000 worth of clothes for just under $200.  Ok - I also like spending money…way more than my husband would like, but now that I am “couponing” I am freeing up more money for the really important things.  Like new shoes.
3. I love going to church.  I no longer look at it as a pain in the ass that we have to do “for the sake of the children”.  We put Prince #2 in “Little Church” (which is like a pre-school CCD),Brad takes The Queen to the crying room and I sit with Prince #1 in the pews.  It calms me down and helps me put the week in perspective.  Just think what a nutjob I would be if I didn’t go to church.
4. I love being at home.  Note, I didn’t necessarily say “with my kids”, but that part is pretty cool too.  I was never one of those women who liked working or felt like they were more “fulfilled” because they had a career.  I guess it wasn’t that shocking when my sister gave me a coffee mug that said “I was never meant to work”
5. I love clean sheets - and the higher the thread count the better.  I am fanatical about changing sheets.  Always on Monday and oftentimes an additional 1-2 times per week.  This is why I will never have sex on Mondays (unless we are out-of-town)…I want at least ONE night with perfectly clean, crisp sheets
6. I love doing things by myself.  And not in that “hey - why don’t I change my own oil?” way.  I love going to the movies by myself, out to eat, an art gallery, etc.  I also enjoy getting up at 4:30am while the whole house is sleeping and being able to watch TV, clean the kitchen, fold laundry or just sit at the computer. I think that this comes from my basic dislike of all people.
7. I love cloth napkins, glass plates and the proper stemware:  there are no paper plates or napkins in this house and there never will be.  I even have special matching “party china” (a set of 24 plates, dessert plates, bowls, wine & water glasses and champagne flutes).  That’s why God invented dishwashers and washing machines.  I use the Waterford and good china, even when I’m alone.  Who am I supposed to save it for…the Pope?  Well he just visited the US and didn’t knock on my door so I guess that would have been a waste!
8. I love being creative.  Whether I am making jewelry, decorating cakes, doing needlework or scrapbooking, there is something about doing crafts that soothes me.  And now that we have hardwood floors in the whole house, the glitter is much easier to clean up!
9. I love writing:  and that is something that I never thought that I would say.  But this blog has become one big therapy session for me.  Sure, I try to pepper it with humor, but many of the things that I write about are issues/annoyances that I would have otherwise kept bottled up inside me (I’m good at that) and then taken my frustration out on my family by snapping at my husband or putting one of my children in time out for the tiniest infraction.  So thanks to you who come visit and comment for making me realize that I am not alone
10. I love being old:  I turned 39 recently and some people may get upset at the ever-ticking years, but I don’t.  If nothing else, the older I get, the more slack people cut me when I act like a crotchety old fucktard.  And when I look back at my life, I’ve actually had a pretty good one….and with each passing year it seems to get better.  What’s not to love about that?

Ok - and not on the list, because when/if my husband reads this he will look at me and pout…I love my husband, my children, my family.  Happy dear?

Take your organic bread and shove it up your ass

Happy Earth Day!

Remember when we were young and Earth Day was just something for the weirdos and we all wished that Ed Begley Jr. would shut the hell up about his electric car?  Water was something that was going to last forever and the Amazon was just a bunch of jungle that we didn’t need anyway….well, not nearly as much as we needed our Big Macs (which came in nifty styrofoam containers.  Remember the huge-ass one for the McDLT? “It keeps the hot side hot and the cool side cool!”)?  They were the freaks, the hippies, the people who needed to worry about REAL problems…like how to convince people that Trickle Down Economics was working and if Bill Clinton really got a blow job.

And now the pendulum has swung the other way, and I can’t say that things are much better. 

When the grocery circulars for this week came in the mail on Friday, like always I started scouring through them in my continuing project of being a cheapskate (the whole couponing thing).  Between the 5 we get each week, there were 14 extra pages of trees sales promoting how “Earth Friendly” their stores are.  They have organic cleaners!  Organic Meat!  Organic Produce!  And it’s only almost double the price of the regular stuff!  Hop in your Hummer and come on down!

And now Clorox is really pushing their new “green” line of cleaners.  But have they reduced production of their “non-green” lines?  Not from what I can see.  At my supermarkets, all that has happened is that yet another display of product has been erected in the middle of an aisle for me to crash my cart in to. 

If all of these companies were really serious about protecting the environment, they would halt production of the less eco-friendly products and only produce the “green stuff”.  Sure, people would be pissed that they couldn’t find their blue Windex (I may be mixing companies, but you know what I mean).  But it would force them to use the new stuff and eventually they would get used to it.  And I have to think that if the companies were only producing eco-friendly products and not the others, the price of the “green stuff” would come down.  Then again, I am not an economist, so what do I know?

(and now I need to tell my father, if he is reading this, to stop reading and do something else.  I love you Dad and don’t want you to have a heart attack)

So here is the point of the post where this lifelong Republican says that perhaps it IS time to revert to a “Nanny State”.  I’m not talking about programs for the poor, uninsured, etc (although that certainly needs work as well).  I’m talking about a LOT more regulation of the so-called Free Market. 

Because the Free Market is killing us.

I picked up a copy of the “Healthy Living” free magazine at my local supermarket.  Inside was an article informing people of the benefits of organic produce and meats.  And then I noticed a little “sidebar box” which said:

what’s Not in organic

• Persistent, toxic herbicides and pesticides
• Genetically modified organisms
• Ionizing radiation
• sewage sludge
• antibiotics and growth hormones

And while this is good information to have, my first thought was “How the fuck has this country got to the point where the absence of these things is considered a NOVELTY?”

Oh yeah - because we have let companies do whatever the hell they wanted for the last decade.  And as a reward for their producing things that are killing us, we even cut their taxes!  This insanity HAS to end!

So what is the meaning behind the title of this post?  It’s simple:  stop looking at the problems with the environment as simply a marketing tool.  Don’t ask me to pat you on the back because (for example) your store/bakery now makes organic bread.  You’ll get a pat from me once you stop making the other crap.  When you don’t just sell the environmentally friendly cleaning products, but you use them to clean your store/factory.

/rant

 

The only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang

After 2 more attempts of that little fucker not only licking the peanut butter off the trap, but being smart enough to NOT try for the wedged peanut, I went downstairs this AM and saw that there was a missing mousetrap….with 2 droppings where the trap had been

Then I looked closer…and found the empty mousetrap floating in the sump pump water below.

Then I looked closer and saw a little mouse floating as well.

As far as I can tell, Stuart Little managed to avoid getting his neck smashed, only to shit himself, fall off the shelf and in to the water below and drown.

In the words of John-Paul Sartre:  “Au revoir (mouse)!)” 

It’s the little things that make me so happy

(now I just have to get Brad to get that mouse out of the water before the sump pump sucks him up and he clogs the pipe, flooding my basement)

And I didn’t even have to cheat to get this answer!!

Mr. Lady posted this on her blog and we all know that me likey the martinis.  The odd watermelon or apple martini aside, I prefer them straight:  Extra-dry Belvedere martini, 3 olives (and they MUST be on a toothpick so that I have something to play with and point at people).

So I took the test…and:

You Are a Classic Martini

You area sophisticated drinker, who knows that simple quality is over-rated. You’re a knowledgeable drunk, but sometimes you’re a know-it-all when you’re blasted. You should never: Drink and gossip. You tend to forget who’s standing right behind you! Your ideal party: Has a real bartender. But no one mixes a better drink than you. Your drinking soulmates: those with a Chocolate Martini personality Your drinking rivals: those with a Margarita Martini personality

What Flavor Martini Are You?

 

 

In which I call on the wisdom of the Internets

Poor BloggyFriendWhoShallRemainUnNamedUnlessSheChoosesToOutHerself.  I post a comment on her blog on Friday telling her not to do something and that I would ask for advice for her on my blog on Saturday.  Then I actually had a really good time Friday night at Bunco and even won $40, but made the mistake of drinking a watermelon martini and spent all day yesterday curled up in the fetal position with one of my famous “sugar hangovers” (which make me feel worse than a “booze hangover”).  Oh well, better late than never!

If you read my “About Me” page, you know that I did a brief stint as a Mary Kay consultant.  What you don’t know is that before the birth of Prince #1, I was also a fairly successful Pampered Chef consultant.  I did PC right up to the birth of Prince #1, took the “maternity leave” (which allowed me 3 months of not having to make my monthly quota) and then did 2 shows after he was born before I decided to hang it up.

Despite doing well as a PC consultant and being one of the very few people I know who actually made money in MK, something just clicked in my head a few years ago….home party plans/multi-level marketing/Direct Sales companies are a waste of time.  Sure - we all may like the products and even enjoy going to the occasional party.  But the money just isn’t there.

And now BloggyFriend (for short) is thinking about signing up for either Pampered Chef or Tastefully Simple and was asking for advice on which one to pick.  My advice?  Neither!

After my MK stint was over, I found an anti-MK blog with a wealth of information and a lively discussion.  Unfortunately, that website and its owner has become quite strident and controversial (although I personally don’t have any problems with the owner and still like her)and rather than refer BloggyFriend there for advice, I though perhaps some of my friends from that site who also post here could give BloggyFriend some of the very valid reasons that she needs to run screaming from any Direct Sales “Business Opportunity”.

In the meantime, I wanted to share a few things with BloggyFriend:

• I recently attended a Tastefully Simple party and was told by the consultant that my area (which is also BloggyFriend’s area) has the highest concentration of TS consultants in the country.  They use this fact as proof that there is enough business for more consultants to join up.  The reality is, it is proof that the area is “saturated” with consultants.
• While your friends may say now that they will host a party for you, those parties will rarely hold.  Think of how many parties you have been to where you felt pressured to book a party and you just.did.not.want.to
• Tastefully Simple customers expect you to carry inventory.  I was SHOCKED (and annoyed) when I went to one last week and was told that I had to wait for my products to be shipped.  The company may say that you don’t have to carry inventory, but your customers will expect it.  That means that you have to lay out the money for your initial inventory and hope that you sell it all.

So to my “old friends” (you know who you are), what advice can you give BloggyFriend?

F-F-Friday

You know what one of the best things about getting reviewed by Ask And Ye Shall Receive is?  It opened me up to a whole new bunch of really fun blogs.  I still love the ones I have been reading for the past five months…now I’m just spending more time reading blogs (my family is oh-so-thrilled).

And one blog that I found through BlogRoll-surfing?  Saintseester.  And she has a Friday memey-thing that combines two of my favorite things:  playing with my new camera and the word “fuck”.

So welcome to my first “Fucking Floral Friday” post! (and 2nd post for the day - don’t get used to it)

Disclaimer:  I haven’t had a bunch of time to play with my new camera and wish to remind you upfront that this is not a photo blog and I am fully aware that you are able to take better pictures than me.  And that I suck.  And that I used the wrong aperture.  And they are out of focus.  I know - you wipe your ass with piss-ants like me. 

Feel better?  Great - then let’s go:

The hyacinths in my front yard.  I don’t think there is any chance that my old 4MP Nikon point & shoot would have caught the drops of water.  Not the greatest job with focus, but oh how I wish you could smell them through your monitor.  Pure heaven!

Flowers are one of many things that I like from behind and these daffodils are no exception.  Anyone can appreciate the beauty of a flower when looking at it from the front.  But like so many things, it is what is behind the facade which is most beautiful (ooh - that was deep!)

Yeah - there’s flowers in the background…but this picture was more about showing you my husband in the hammock in the backyard with a fucking winter-weight afghan on him!  It’s 85 degrees out…. is he nuts?

Cargo = Wide Load

I wasn’t sure I was going to have anything to write about for Fight the Frump Friday (sponsored by Fussy, yo!).  Then I woke up to a forecast of 85 degrees today (that’s Farenheit for you non-Americans…I’m not living in the LITERAL Hell) and found that all of my warm-weather clothes from last summer are too big.  Time to go shopping!

And I have one thing to say to all women, be they a size 2 or a size 22:

Step Away From The Cargos.

You know what?  Don’t just step away from them.  Run screaming from them!

Cargo shorts, cargo skirts (yes, because I always need to hang a hammer from my white linen skirt) and cargo pants:  they all do one thing.  That is to make your thighs look as wide as humanly possible.  Believe me, I just spent the entire morning at the mall and watching tons of women in cargo capris walking around.  And you know what?  Even the women who had upper arms smaller than my wrist looked like a bunch of chubbers.

So what’s the problem?  The problem is that cargo clothing is everywhere this Spring…from Target to Kohl’s to Macy’s/Bloomingdales.  Don’t be fooled.  You know how those lightweight pants look so cute with those pockets on the side when they are hanging at the store?  Yeah - wait until you wash them once and that pocket poofs out and takes your thighs with it.  This is one fashion that you need to skip (yes - even you skinny bitches!). 

And here I thought I wouldn’t have anything for Fight The Frump Friday…all it takes is a trip to the mall!

(tune in later today for an entirely different F-F-Friday post)

I still have the old one….

The day started out pretty crappy.  I woke up late and with a headache (no, not a hangover - a headache), Prince #1 missed the bus because he couldn’t find his shoes which made everyone else late.  Then as I was reaching for something, my tit was impaled by a snapping underwire in my favorite $60 bra.  To top it off, I found that I lost a whopping .4 pounds this week at weigh-in.  My daughter’s empty sippy cup weighs more than that! 

And then I saw that my review was in…..

What review?

Well, because I seem to have some seriously masochistic tendencies (but not in bed - sorry Brad!),  I submitted my blog for review at “Ask and Ye Shall Receive” (click on it to read the review).  This is not a “let’s all hold hands and sing to the Glory that is MommyBlogs” place.    Any site with the words “I will fucking tear you apart” in their address is bound to be slightly critical.  I fully expected them to tear me a new asshole.  Instead, I found that I still have the old one (although it would have been nice if they could have removed a pound or two from it) and my first award from some very critical motherfuckers

     

The second-best award that they give.  I’ve been wondering who I had to screw to get an award and I didn’t even have to fuck any of them!  Bonus!

They recommended a few changes that I agree needed to be made:  specifically cleaning up the sidebar (which I did) and reverting back to the old banner.  Daisy - I love the one you made for me, but after a day or two, I do think that I prefer the “cleaner look” of the old one.  Please don’t take it personally, but even Brad said that he liked the more simple banner.

I just can’t believe that they didn’t rip in to me for….my…..overuse….of….ellipses…..I…thought….that…..one….was….a…..sure…thing!

 

They’re like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong!

(if you don’t know what movie that came from, stop reading, Google it, watch the movie and then come back.  thank you)

We have some crafty little fuckers in our house, and not just my kids.

Last week I grabbed a bowl out of my “serving dish pantry” (yes - you read that right….not to be confused with my “food pantry”).  Because I like everything nice & lined up, the dishes are kept in their original boxes and stacked nice and neat on the shelves.  But when I opened the box, a whole bunch of acorns fell out.  We have a mouse in the house.

Let me say:  I’ve gone through all sorts of stages of dealing with these little invaders.  As my house backs up to a farm, we are no stranger to the twice-yearly 2-3 mice that find their way in every fall & spring.  When we first moved here, I made Brad buy those humane traps.  He would catch one and drive it up the street and let it loose on another farm.

Then they started eating my Special K with Strawberries and all bets were off.

So we went the poison route.  Two problems with that:

1. The poison dehydrates them so they start looking for water.  In theory, this takes them out of your house where they die.  In reality, they chew through the condensation line that runs from your air conditioner, flooding the bottom boxes of your priceless Christmas decorations.
2. They may not make it out of the house before they die.  They may get stuck in behind the drywall in your basement.  Then the basement stinks.  Then the flies come.  Then you realize that your basement would make a great location shoot for the next Amityville Horror movie.

So we’re back to the traditional mousetraps.  And as has always worked in the past, we smear them with peanut butter. But this mouse is not easily caught, as evidence by this picture:

That’s right - he licked the peanut butter off both traps without setting them off.  For the third time this week.  The next time he does it, I’m changing my name to Carl and getting a big hose!

(and yes, those ARE two boxes of Girl Scout Cookies on the left…and they are all mine!)